Follow:
For our favorite kwips of the day, follow us on Facebook.
To get the jump on new stories we post, follow us on Twitter.
To get the jump on new stories we post, add our RSS feed.
Bookmark Us
Firefox and Internet Explorer users, click your icon below to add us:
Chrome and Safari users, drag your icon below to your bookmark bar:
Kwipster.comKwipster.com
Image 01 Image 02
Find:

Report Abuse
Astcrowbar
Joined: Jul '11
Prop Comic
Level 5: Prop Comic
Next Level: Court Jester
  Kwips Points Average
All Time 52 83.00 1.60
Year 0 0.00 0.00
Month 0 0.00 0.00
Week 0 0.00 0.00
Day 0 0.00 0.00
Note: Only kwips that have received the required qualifying ratings are reflected above. For more on scoring, click here.
Astcrowbar's kwips: 54
Facebook Unveils New 'Timeline' Feature
TechCrunch
At Facebook's f8 conference in San Francisco today, CEO Mark Zuckerberg unveiled the next evolution of the service, including an overhaul to the user profile called ''Timeline,'' which he called ''the story of your life.'' Timeline is a more visual profile that lets users highlight the key moments of their lives outside their everyday updates. 9/22/11 4:44pm ET
Astcrowbar
"I remember back in 2006. I didn't even know what an 'App' was back in those days."
9/24/11 4:31pm ET
Rate:
Your Rating: 0.0 stars
Average Rating: 3.0 stars
0
See replies or post your own.
Flag this as:
Additional Comments (optional):
Colorado Men Take Dead Friend Out on Town
The Denver Post
Following a shorter real-life version of the film 'Weekend at Bernie's,' two Denver men have been charged with abusing a corpse, identity theft, and criminal impersonation. On the night of August 27th, the pair took dead friend Jeffrey Jarrett out on the town, using his ATM card at a bar, restaurant, and for $400 worth of services at strip club Shotgun Willie's. 9/16/11 3:03pm ET
Astcrowbar
The two men chose to sue the filmmakers of "Weekend at Bernie's" for not putting a warning that said "Do not try this at home."
9/24/11 4:26pm ET
Rate:
Your Rating: 0.0 stars
Average Rating: 3.0 stars
0
See replies or post your own.
Flag this as:
Additional Comments (optional):
Amish Men Jailed for Buggy Violation
The Smoking Gun
Eight members of the Swartzentruber Amish sect have been jailed in Kentucky after refusing to pay fines for failing to affix orange safety triangles to their horse-drawn buggies, which they wouldn't do because their religion prohibits wearing or displaying bright colors. 9/16/11 12:42pm ET
Astcrowbar
If you are so committed to your religion that you ride in a horse and buggy, why would you ever say. "Okay, in this instance I will listen to the state and not my God"?
9/24/11 4:23pm ET
Rate:
Your Rating: 0.0 stars
Average Rating: 3.0 stars
0
See replies or post your own.
Flag this as:
Additional Comments (optional):
Tyler Perry is Entertainment's Highest Paid Man
CNN
Tyler Perry tops Forbes' ''Entertainment's Highest-Paid Men'' list this year, pulling in $130 million over the 12 months ending in April. Following Perry were Jerry Bruckheimer ($113M), Steven Spielberg ($107M), Elton John ($100M), Simon Cowell ($97M), James Patterson ($84M), Dr. Phil ($80M), Leonardo DiCaprio ($77M), Howard Stern ($76M), and Tiger Woods ($75M). 9/14/11 11:52am ET
Astcrowbar
Tyler Perry might be the only guy who is paid one million times what he's worth.
9/24/11 4:17pm ET
Rate:
Your Rating: 0.0 stars
Average Rating: 3.0 stars
0
See replies or post your own.
Flag this as:
Additional Comments (optional):
Al Qaeda Leader Drops New Video on 9/11
CNN
In an hour-long video entitled 'The Dawn of Imminent Victory,' al Qaeda leader Ayman al Zawahiri marked the 10th anniversary of 9/11 with a speech rallying his terror troops to seize the opportunities created by the instability resulting from the Arab Spring. 9/13/11 8:35pm ET
Astcrowbar
Why couldn't he wait until the next day instead of disrupting everyone's 9/11 parties.
9/24/11 4:12pm ET
Rate:
Your Rating: 0.0 stars
Average Rating: 4.0 stars
0
See replies or post your own.
Flag this as:
Additional Comments (optional):
Missouri Boy Brings Meth, Crack Pipe to Show and Tell
GlobalPost
A kindergarten student in rural Missouri brought $3,700 of crystal meth and a crack pipe in for show and tell. The items belonged to his mother, who was arrested and charged with possession of a controlled substance and child endangerment. The school superintendent said the boy was ''very excited when he got to school.'' 9/22/11 5:12pm ET
Astcrowbar
Parent to Kid: "No Jimmy, you mean you learned about MATH today."
9/24/11 4:08pm ET
Rate:
Your Rating: 0.0 stars
Average Rating: 4.0 stars
0
See replies or post your own.
Flag this as:
Additional Comments (optional):
Adults Get Their Own Sandbox in Las Vegas
Yahoo! News / AP
A business owner in Las Vegas has created a life-sized sandbox for adults, who pay up to $750 each to push around dirt, rock, and huge tires with earth-moving construction equipment. All it takes is a 10-minute classroom lesson and guidance from trainers through headsets. 9/2/11 3:59pm ET
Astcrowbar
Now you can pay $750 to do what a $15 an hour union worker does every day.
9/24/11 4:07pm ET
Rate:
Your Rating: 0.0 stars
Average Rating: not yet available
0
See replies or post your own.
Flag this as:
Additional Comments (optional):
Professor Proposes Affirmative Action for Ugly People
The New York Times
Being good-looking is useful in so many ways. Beyond giving you personal pleasure, researchers have proven that being attractive also helps you earn more money, find a higher-earning spouse, and get better deals on mortgages. So what if ugliness were protected under the Americans With Disabilities Act? Or there were affirmative action for ugly people? 8/31/11 5:19pm ET
Astcrowbar
Finally, beautiful people like David Letterman and Donald Trump won't be dominating the job market.
9/24/11 4:06pm ET
Rate:
Your Rating: 0.0 stars
Average Rating: not yet available
0
See replies or post your own.
Flag this as:
Additional Comments (optional):
Romance Novel Typo Creates Kinky Plot Twist
Arbroath
Upon discovery of a most unfortunate typo in her new book, romance novelist Susan Andersen has released the following statement to its buyers: ''I apologise to anyone who bought my on-sale ebook of Baby, I'm Yours and read on pg 293: 'He stiffened for a moment but then she felt his muscles loosen as he shitted on the ground.' Shifted -- he SHIFTED!'' 9/16/11 2:07pm ET
Astcrowbar
Damn it. This correction totally ruined the book for me.
9/23/11 3:59pm ET
Rate:
Your Rating: 0.0 stars
Average Rating: 4.0 stars
0
See replies or post your own.
Flag this as:
Additional Comments (optional):
Scientists Recreate Brain's Visions Into Movies
Gizmodo
Scientists at the University of California, Berkeley have developed a system to capture visual activity in human brains and reconstruct it as digital video clips. Eventually, this process will allow people to record and recreate their dreams on a computer screen. 9/23/11 12:59pm ET
Astcrowbar
Researchers have discovered that Japan has had this technology for years. In fact, they use the dreams of a young retarded boy to create their insane porn.
9/23/11 3:55pm ET
Rate:
Your Rating: 0.0 stars
Average Rating: 3.5 stars
0
See replies or post your own.
Flag this as:
Additional Comments (optional):
Ohio Man Crashes Truck Into Sex Store to Steal $800 Vagina
Gawker
Felonious, hypersexual people just can't stop crashing into the AdultMart of Brownhelm Township, Ohio to steal sex toys! In the latest incident involving theft at the popular sex-stablishment, a man stole a semi and crashed it into the place, making off with a $800 ''life-like masturbator complete with female genitalia with legs and buttocks.'' 8/24/11 5:36pm ET
Astcrowbar
His official charge from the police was "burglary and pretend rape"
9/23/11 3:53pm ET
Rate:
Your Rating: 0.0 stars
Average Rating: 3.0 stars
0
See replies or post your own.
Flag this as:
Additional Comments (optional):
'Maggie Goes on a Diet' Sparks Outrage
CTV
A children's book that doesn't go on sale for another two months has sparked a flurry of outrage from critics who say the tale promotes eating disorders and teaches kids to self-hate. The book, entitled 'Maggie Goes on a Diet,' tells the story of teenaged Maggie and how her life is ''transformed'' after she goes on a diet, starts exercising, and loses weight. 8/24/11 6:17pm ET
Astcrowbar
The book was originally called "Fat Maggie the Boring Cunt is Fat, Boring, and Also a Cunt"
9/23/11 3:50pm ET
Rate:
Your Rating: 0.0 stars
Average Rating: 3.0 stars
0
See replies or post your own.
Flag this as:
Additional Comments (optional):
Magnetic Pulse to Brain Inhibits Ability to Lie
Popular Science
A new study from Estonian researchers suggests that brain interference -- in the form of magnets applied to the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex, the area right behind one's forehead -- can have an amplifying or dampening effect on their ability to lie. 9/9/11 3:38pm ET
Astcrowbar
If only I had a way to find out if this study were true.
9/23/11 3:42pm ET
Rate:
Your Rating: 0.0 stars
Average Rating: 4.0 stars
0
See replies or post your own.
Flag this as:
Additional Comments (optional):
Hooters Girls Pay Tribute to Victims of 9/11
Mediaite
While there have been many tributes to victims of 9/11 as it marked its 10th anniversary, none are nearly as moving as this video from the girls of Hooters. Some may go for the wings, others may go for the boobs. From this day forward, I go for our freedom. [VIDEO] 9/13/11 4:20pm ET
Astcrowbar
Hot chicks and 9/11 go together like Hotdogs and Prison Rape. Okay, bad example.
9/23/11 3:41pm ET
Rate:
Your Rating: 0.0 stars
Average Rating: 2.0 stars
0
See replies or post your own.
Flag this as:
Additional Comments (optional):
Netflix Spins Off By-Mail Business Into 'Qwikster'
The Wall Street Journal
Netflix is spinning off its DVDs-by-Mail business into a wholly-owned subsidiary called Qwikster. In a blog post last night, CEO Reed Hastings said the move was the impetus for the recent price increase that outraged customers and sent the company's stock plummeting. Hastings apologized for not having given the explanation sooner, saying ''I messed up.'' 9/19/11 1:54pm ET
Astcrowbar
If it has anywhere near the success of a similarly named website "Kwipster", it won't be around for long.
9/23/11 3:37pm ET
Rate:
Your Rating: 0.0 stars
Average Rating: 3.0 stars
0
See replies or post your own.
Flag this as:
Additional Comments (optional):
'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' Gay Military Policy Ends
BBC News
A policy banning open homosexuality in the U.S. military has been repealed after nearly two decades. Introduced during the Clinton years, the end of ''don't ask, don't tell'' means service members can now reveal they are gay without fear of investigation or discharge. 9/20/11 1:13pm ET
Astcrowbar
Unfortunately a new policy was put into place called "Ask, Tell, Go to Hell"
9/23/11 3:35pm ET
Rate:
Your Rating: 0.0 stars
Average Rating: 4.0 stars
0
See replies or post your own.
Flag this as:
Additional Comments (optional):
PETA to Launch Porn Site to Benefit Animals (Updated)
Gawker
[Confirmed by PETA today, originally posted on 8/18/11] PETA is launching a porn site that draws attention to the plight of animals. The organization's spokeswoman says PETA officials will ''track the website to determine if people are viewing the animal rights messages and not just the nudity. Past experience has shown that they will.'' 9/21/11 6:41pm ET
Astcrowbar
For once when I jack off, God won't hate me as much.
9/23/11 3:30pm ET
Rate:
Your Rating: 0.0 stars
Average Rating: 4.0 stars
0
See replies or post your own.
Flag this as:
Additional Comments (optional):
Einstein's Theory of Relativity Might be Wrong
Newser
Physicists at CERN, the European Organization for Nuclear Research, think they've spotted neutrinos traveling faster than light, contradicting Einstein's special theory of relativity. According to his E=MC² equation, nothing should be able to go that fast. If true, notes Wired's Adrian Cho, ''it will mark the biggest discovery in physics in the past half-century.'' 9/22/11 7:37pm ET
Astcrowbar
This is the last time I trust a guy with a bad haircut and a learning disability.
9/23/11 3:28pm ET
Rate:
Your Rating: 0.0 stars
Average Rating: 3.0 stars
0
See replies or post your own.
Flag this as:
Additional Comments (optional):
Woman Dies After Giving Oral Sex to Dog
True Crime Report
A 43-year-old woman in Ireland has died after having sexual relations with a dog. Details of the incident are sketchy, but apparently the woman gave the Alsatian (German Shepherd) a blow job and had a violent allergic reaction to its semen, from which she couldn't be saved. 7/13/11 4:35pm ET
Astcrowbar
Now I know why my dad frowns when I try to blow the poodle.
7/31/11 6:44am ET
Rate:
Your Rating: 0.0 stars
Average Rating: 3.5 stars
0
See replies or post your own.
Flag this as:
Additional Comments (optional):
New 'Viberect' Provides Vibrating Alternative to Viagra
CNET
Medical device maker Reflexonic has just secured FDA approval for Viberect, a new handheld device that treats erectile dysfunction by stimulating the penile nerves with vibrations sent through medical softpads. The device is available for $300 and by prescription only. 7/28/11 2:58pm ET
Astcrowbar
For the price of just a cup of coffee a day, you can feed 100 starving kids in Africa, or you can get a machine that gives you a boner.
7/31/11 2:40am ET
Rate:
Your Rating: 0.0 stars
Average Rating: 3.33 stars
0
See replies or post your own.
Flag this as:
Additional Comments (optional):
 
Top Kwipsters
1) Wacky Sidekick StanSilliman (+2,004.37)
2) Cable Quipster headonthetable (+1,194.15)
3) Sharp-Witted Scribe ADW (+888.28)
4) Sharp-Witted Scribe AaronDavidWard (+757.88)
5) Sitcom Superstar hambone (+713.91)
6) Hall Headliner jerrymyers1982 (+673.65)
7) Sitcom Superstar humbert (+593.05)
8) Award Show Host NaomiLeonard (+564.72)
9) Wacky Sidekick JayLeno (+550.25)
10) Vegas Icon fancypants (+543.23)
Ranked by total points earned. Details.
Free Comedy Shows
Kwipster TM & © 2014 Viral Ventures LLC. All Rights Reserved.