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JimmyKimmel
Hollywood, CA, US
Joined: Feb '11

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  Kwips Points Average
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JimmyKimmel's kwips: 295
Apple Announces iPhone 4S, Not iPhone 5
TechCrunch
If you were hoping for a brand new iPhone 5 today, you'll be disappointed. Instead, Apple announced the iPhone 4S, which looks exactly like the iPhone 4. But on the inside, it's got a faster processor, works globally, has a better camera, and includes a new voice-controlled assistant that lets you ask questions, like what's the time and how's the weather. 10/4/11 4:23pm ET
JimmyKimmel
One thing I don't like -- it looks exactly like the old iPhone, which means you can't show people how cool you are when you whip it out. You have to say something like, "Ooh, my iPhone 4S is ringing."
10/13/11 1:49pm ET
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Apple Announces iPhone 4S, Not iPhone 5
TechCrunch
If you were hoping for a brand new iPhone 5 today, you'll be disappointed. Instead, Apple announced the iPhone 4S, which looks exactly like the iPhone 4. But on the inside, it's got a faster processor, works globally, has a better camera, and includes a new voice-controlled assistant that lets you ask questions, like what's the time and how's the weather. 10/4/11 4:23pm ET
JimmyKimmel
Current iPhone users can pay $200 to upgrade to the new phone. Or for $125, you can keep your existing phone.
10/13/11 1:48pm ET
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Apple Announces iPhone 4S, Not iPhone 5
TechCrunch
If you were hoping for a brand new iPhone 5 today, you'll be disappointed. Instead, Apple announced the iPhone 4S, which looks exactly like the iPhone 4. But on the inside, it's got a faster processor, works globally, has a better camera, and includes a new voice-controlled assistant that lets you ask questions, like what's the time and how's the weather. 10/4/11 4:23pm ET
JimmyKimmel
The new iPhone 4S comes out on Friday. People are already lined up outside Apple stores. Either that or they're homeless; it's hard to tell. The plaid shirts throw everything off.
10/13/11 1:48pm ET
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Teens Soaking Gummi Bears in Vodka
Eater
With the help of how-to videos on YouTube, teens are now getting drunk on gummi bears by soaking them in vodka. After a few days, the gummies turn into bloated versions of their former selves, still bear-shaped and full of undetectable alcohol. 10/13/11 1:39pm ET
JimmyKimmel
By the way, I think vodka-soaked gummi bear could be my new nickname for Snooki.
10/13/11 1:47pm ET
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Teens Soaking Gummi Bears in Vodka
Eater
With the help of how-to videos on YouTube, teens are now getting drunk on gummi bears by soaking them in vodka. After a few days, the gummies turn into bloated versions of their former selves, still bear-shaped and full of undetectable alcohol. 10/13/11 1:39pm ET
JimmyKimmel
Apparently teenagers are learning how to do this using online tutorials, which -- do you really need a tutorial? How many steps could there be to this recipe?
10/13/11 1:47pm ET
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Teens Soaking Gummi Bears in Vodka
Eater
With the help of how-to videos on YouTube, teens are now getting drunk on gummi bears by soaking them in vodka. After a few days, the gummies turn into bloated versions of their former selves, still bear-shaped and full of undetectable alcohol. 10/13/11 1:39pm ET
JimmyKimmel
I have to admit, it does make me somewhat proud to be an American, because we finally found a way to get fat and drunk at the same time.
10/13/11 1:47pm ET
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Christian Group Protests Halloween with JesusWeen
Time NewsFeed
Halloween has a new nemesis: JesusWeen. What is JesusWeen? It's a Christian organization that opposes ''ungodly'' Halloween and its ''evil characters.'' This October 31st, instead of Mars bars, group members plan to hand trick-or-treaters mini Bibles. 10/11/11 2:36pm ET
JimmyKimmel
You'll know which families are handing the Bibles out by the dozens and dozens of eggs making their house into a giant omelette.
10/12/11 10:16pm ET
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Christian Group Protests Halloween with JesusWeen
Time NewsFeed
Halloween has a new nemesis: JesusWeen. What is JesusWeen? It's a Christian organization that opposes ''ungodly'' Halloween and its ''evil characters.'' This October 31st, instead of Mars bars, group members plan to hand trick-or-treaters mini Bibles. 10/11/11 2:36pm ET
JimmyKimmel
They better not be passing out the fun-sized Bibles, by the way. I want the full-sized.
10/12/11 10:15pm ET
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Sarah Palin Will Not Run for President
CNN
In a written statement, former Alaska governor Sarah Palin said today: ''After much prayer and serious consideration, I have decided that I will not be seeking the 2012 GOP nomination for President of the United States. As always, my family comes first and obviously Todd and I put great consideration into family life before making this decision. When we serve, we devote ourselves to God, family and country. My decision maintains this order.'' 10/5/11 7:07pm ET
JimmyKimmel
Anyway, Sarah's busy right now rehearsing her halftime show for the Super Bowl.
10/11/11 1:27am ET
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Sarah Palin Will Not Run for President
CNN
In a written statement, former Alaska governor Sarah Palin said today: ''After much prayer and serious consideration, I have decided that I will not be seeking the 2012 GOP nomination for President of the United States. As always, my family comes first and obviously Todd and I put great consideration into family life before making this decision. When we serve, we devote ourselves to God, family and country. My decision maintains this order.'' 10/5/11 7:07pm ET
JimmyKimmel
She went on Fox News and announced she was deciding not to run for president. She said Paul Revere talked her out of it.
10/11/11 1:27am ET
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Sarah Palin Will Not Run for President
CNN
In a written statement, former Alaska governor Sarah Palin said today: ''After much prayer and serious consideration, I have decided that I will not be seeking the 2012 GOP nomination for President of the United States. As always, my family comes first and obviously Todd and I put great consideration into family life before making this decision. When we serve, we devote ourselves to God, family and country. My decision maintains this order.'' 10/5/11 7:07pm ET
JimmyKimmel
Sarah Palin -- ohhhh -- not running for president. Who better to lead us out of the troubles of the world than a half-term governor from Alaska?
10/11/11 1:27am ET
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Florida Rep Wants to Repeal Dwarf-Tossing Ban
Gawker
As part of his ''quest to seek and destroy unnecessary burdens on the freedom and liberties of people'' -- and to create new jobs -- Florida state Rep. Ritch Workman (R) has submitted a bill to repeal Florida's 22-year-old ban on tossing little people for sport at bars. 10/6/11 5:05pm ET
JimmyKimmel
Ritch Workman: He believes dwarves can fly. He believes they can touch the sky. Paid for by little flying people.
10/7/11 3:29am ET
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Florida Rep Wants to Repeal Dwarf-Tossing Ban
Gawker
As part of his ''quest to seek and destroy unnecessary burdens on the freedom and liberties of people'' -- and to create new jobs -- Florida state Rep. Ritch Workman (R) has submitted a bill to repeal Florida's 22-year-old ban on tossing little people for sport at bars. 10/6/11 5:05pm ET
JimmyKimmel
I'm not sure why this is an issue. I guess I blame the dwarfs for making themselves so tossable.
10/7/11 3:29am ET
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Florida Rep Wants to Repeal Dwarf-Tossing Ban
Gawker
As part of his ''quest to seek and destroy unnecessary burdens on the freedom and liberties of people'' -- and to create new jobs -- Florida state Rep. Ritch Workman (R) has submitted a bill to repeal Florida's 22-year-old ban on tossing little people for sport at bars. 10/6/11 5:05pm ET
JimmyKimmel
Is this what Republicans mean when they say they want smaller government?
10/7/11 3:28am ET
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Sarah Palin Will Not Run for President
CNN
In a written statement, former Alaska governor Sarah Palin said today: ''After much prayer and serious consideration, I have decided that I will not be seeking the 2012 GOP nomination for President of the United States. As always, my family comes first and obviously Todd and I put great consideration into family life before making this decision. When we serve, we devote ourselves to God, family and country. My decision maintains this order.'' 10/5/11 7:07pm ET
JimmyKimmel
That's that I guess. We'll never get to see a Snowmobile One.
10/6/11 5:21am ET
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Sarah Palin Will Not Run for President
CNN
In a written statement, former Alaska governor Sarah Palin said today: ''After much prayer and serious consideration, I have decided that I will not be seeking the 2012 GOP nomination for President of the United States. As always, my family comes first and obviously Todd and I put great consideration into family life before making this decision. When we serve, we devote ourselves to God, family and country. My decision maintains this order.'' 10/5/11 7:07pm ET
JimmyKimmel
Palin said she won't be campaignin' or presidentin', but she will continue with her speech-makin' and TV-commentatin'.
10/6/11 5:21am ET
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Sarah Palin Will Not Run for President
CNN
In a written statement, former Alaska governor Sarah Palin said today: ''After much prayer and serious consideration, I have decided that I will not be seeking the 2012 GOP nomination for President of the United States. As always, my family comes first and obviously Todd and I put great consideration into family life before making this decision. When we serve, we devote ourselves to God, family and country. My decision maintains this order.'' 10/5/11 7:07pm ET
JimmyKimmel
Are you telling me that driving around the country in a bus with a giant picture of her face next to the Constitution was nothing but a publicity stunt? Because I find that difficult to believe.
10/6/11 5:21am ET
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Sarah Palin Will Not Run for President
CNN
In a written statement, former Alaska governor Sarah Palin said today: ''After much prayer and serious consideration, I have decided that I will not be seeking the 2012 GOP nomination for President of the United States. As always, my family comes first and obviously Todd and I put great consideration into family life before making this decision. When we serve, we devote ourselves to God, family and country. My decision maintains this order.'' 10/5/11 7:07pm ET
JimmyKimmel
Good news for Palin haters. Bad news for the moose population.
10/6/11 5:21am ET
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Chris Christie Will Not Run for President
CNN
Republican Governor Chris Christie of New Jersey has announced that he will not run for president in 2012. The first-term governor said the pressure he received over the past few months caused him to consider throwing his hat in the ring, but that, ''Now is not my time. I have a commitment to New Jersey that I simply will not abandon.'' 10/4/11 2:00pm ET
JimmyKimmel
I really wish Chris Christie was running. I would love to have him in the Oval Office. He'd fit right in.
10/5/11 3:59am ET
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Chris Christie Will Not Run for President
CNN
Republican Governor Chris Christie of New Jersey has announced that he will not run for president in 2012. The first-term governor said the pressure he received over the past few months caused him to consider throwing his hat in the ring, but that, ''Now is not my time. I have a commitment to New Jersey that I simply will not abandon.'' 10/4/11 2:00pm ET
JimmyKimmel
Some people say it's unfair to attack Chris Christie for being fat, and that the same people would never attack him if were gay. But it's really not the same thing. If he were gay, he wouldn't be fat.
10/5/11 3:59am ET
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