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JoanRivers
Los Angeles, CA, US
Joined: Feb '11

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Prop Comic
Level 5: Prop Comic
Next Level: Court Jester
  Kwips Points Average
All Time 55 59.20 1.08
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JoanRivers' kwips: 57
Libyan Rebels Kill Moammar Gadhafi
The New York Times
Col. Moammar Gadahfi, the former Libyan strongman who fled into hiding after rebels toppled his regime two months ago, was killed today as fighters battling the vestiges of his loyalist forces wrested control of his hometown of Surt, the interim government said. 10/20/11 2:12pm ET
JoanRivers
The good news is that Muammar Gaddafi is dead! The bad news? What bad news?!?
10/24/11 5:57am ET
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Dutch Woman Calls Ex-Boyfriend 65,000 Times
The Inquistr
A 42-year-old Dutch woman has been arrested for placing an alleged 65,000 calls over the course of a year (~178 per day) to a 62-year-old man she claims is her ex-boyfriend. The man, however, says the two were never romantically interlinked. 9/8/11 4:25pm ET
JoanRivers
A 42-year-old woman is being prosecuted for calling her ex 65,000 times in one year. Who knew Jennifer Aniston could dial that fast?
9/14/11 2:51am ET
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Obama Unveils $447 Billion 'American Jobs Act'
CBS News
In a fiery speech to a joint session of Congress last night, President Obama unveiled and called for immediate action on his 'American Jobs Act,' a $447 billion package of spending initiatives and tax cuts designed to jump-start the stalling economy and create new jobs. 9/9/11 1:08pm ET
JoanRivers
Obama wants Congress to approve $447 billion in tax cuts, making it the most expensive package since Chaz Bono's sex change.
9/13/11 5:40pm ET
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5.8 Earthquake Rattles Washington D.C.
CNN
The second most powerful earthquake in Virginia's recorded history was felt by millions on the East Coast and prompted evacuations of office buildings and monuments in the nation's capital. No major injuries were immediately reported after the 5.8 magnitude quake. 8/23/11 5:18pm ET
JoanRivers
When the earthquake hit DC, the only person who didn't panic was Monica Lewinsky. She was already underneath a desk.
8/26/11 11:08am ET
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5.8 Earthquake Rattles Washington D.C.
CNN
The second most powerful earthquake in Virginia's recorded history was felt by millions on the East Coast and prompted evacuations of office buildings and monuments in the nation's capital. No major injuries were immediately reported after the 5.8 magnitude quake. 8/23/11 5:18pm ET
JoanRivers
I was jolted out of bed this morning by another huge aftershock. It turns out Kirstie Alley was just visiting the apartment above mine.
8/26/11 11:08am ET
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83-Year-Old Woman Gets Breast Implants
CBS Los Angeles
An 83-year-old great-grandmother in Southern California is making national headlines for having work done on her headlights, and not the ones on her car. Last month, Marie Kolstad decided she needed a little boost in her breasts, so she spent $8,000 on a boob job. 8/11/11 2:12pm ET
JoanRivers
Congratulations to a great-grandma of 83 who just got a breast lift. If her sex life improves, she can use her old bras for kneepads.
8/15/11 3:05pm ET
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Petition Pushes for Bert and Ernie to Marry on 'Sesame Street'
NY Daily News
In hopes of teaching acceptance of homosexuality to children, a campaign has been launched on the website change.org to pressure the producers of 'Sesame Street' into having roommates Bert and Ernie get married. Over 2,500 people have signed the online petition so far, while the show's producers maintain that Bert and Ernie's relationship is purely platonic. 8/10/11 6:01pm ET
JoanRivers
There is NO WAY that Bert and Ernie are gay. They haven't changed their outfits in 25 years.
8/14/11 2:26pm ET
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U.S. House Ends Historic Page Program
Reuters
They've been a ubiquitous presence in the U.S. Capitol since the early 1800's. Some have even gone on to become members of Congress. But as of September 1st, there will be no more earnest-looking young men and women in blue uniforms delivering messages to members of the House of Representatives. The pages have been rendered obsolete by technology. 8/10/11 6:45pm ET
JoanRivers
The House of Representatives announced that it's ending its Congressional Page Program, which will decrease politicians' sex lives by 95%.
8/10/11 7:16pm ET
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McDonald's Trims Its Happy Meal
The New York Times
Bowing to pressure from health advocates and parents, McDonald's is putting its Happy Meal on a diet. The company said it would more than halve the amount of french fries and add fruit to its popular children's meal in an effort to reduce the overall calorie count by 20%. 7/27/11 1:58pm ET
JoanRivers
McDonald's announced that it's making Happy Meals healthier for kids, which I guess means no toys from China decorated in lead paint.
7/29/11 3:46am ET
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Boehner Says Debt Limit is Obama's Problem
ABC News
With less than 21 days left to reach a deal, House Speaker John Boehner (R) of Ohio said the debt limit is President Obama's problem to solve, and called on the president to lead and present a plan that he believes can pass both chambers of Congress. 7/12/11 4:17pm ET
JoanRivers
America's debt ceiling is so high, even Charlie Sheen has tried to stage an intervention.
7/27/11 1:42pm ET
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Hundreds of Same-Sex Couples Marry in New York
The New York Times
Hundreds of gay and lesbian couples in New York rushed to tiny town halls and big city clerks' offices across the state to wed in the first hours of legal same-sex marriage on Sunday, turning a slumbering summer day into an emotional celebration. 7/25/11 1:38pm ET
JoanRivers
Yesterday, more queens were married in New York City than in the history of Westminster Abbey.
7/26/11 3:13am ET
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Hundreds of Same-Sex Couples Marry in New York
The New York Times
Hundreds of gay and lesbian couples in New York rushed to tiny town halls and big city clerks' offices across the state to wed in the first hours of legal same-sex marriage on Sunday, turning a slumbering summer day into an emotional celebration. 7/25/11 1:38pm ET
JoanRivers
Today, thousands of gay men in NYC will say, "I do!", and for once the question isn't, "Do you worship Liza Minnelli?"
7/25/11 1:41pm ET
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Hundreds of Same-Sex Couples Marry in New York
The New York Times
Hundreds of gay and lesbian couples in New York rushed to tiny town halls and big city clerks' offices across the state to wed in the first hours of legal same-sex marriage on Sunday, turning a slumbering summer day into an emotional celebration. 7/25/11 1:38pm ET
JoanRivers
So many lesbians got married at New York's City Hall wearing tuxedos that it looked like a cast reunion of "Mr. Popper's Penguins."
7/25/11 1:41pm ET
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Traffic Mayhem Looms Over Los Angeles
L.A. Weekly
Traffic in Los Angeles may be the worst in the nation, but it's about to get a whole lot worse. On July 16th and 17th, a 10-mile stretch of the city's lifeline 405 freeway, the busiest stretch of highway in the world, will be completely shut down for construction. 6/7/11 2:15pm ET
JoanRivers
Next week, they're closing all the roads in Beverly Hills for repairs. It's being billed as "Limo-geddon."
7/19/11 8:44pm ET
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Casey Anthony Verdict Draws O.J. Comparisons
Los Angeles Times
As soon as Casey Anthony was found not guilty of murdering her 2-year-old daughter, Caylee, hordes of outraged onlookers erupted on social networks like Twitter and Facebook with references to O.J. Simpson and Johnnie Cochran. 7/5/11 4:27pm ET
JoanRivers
Rumor has it Casey Anthony's getting a new face. Plastic surgery can change a lot of things (believe me, I know) but guilt isn't one of them
7/19/11 1:35pm ET
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Casey Anthony Verdict Draws O.J. Comparisons
Los Angeles Times
As soon as Casey Anthony was found not guilty of murdering her 2-year-old daughter, Caylee, hordes of outraged onlookers erupted on social networks like Twitter and Facebook with references to O.J. Simpson and Johnnie Cochran. 7/5/11 4:27pm ET
JoanRivers
Casey Anthony has ALWAYS been trouble! In high school, she was allegedly voted "Most likely to get away with murder."
7/11/11 4:20pm ET
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Casey Anthony Verdict Draws O.J. Comparisons
Los Angeles Times
As soon as Casey Anthony was found not guilty of murdering her 2-year-old daughter, Caylee, hordes of outraged onlookers erupted on social networks like Twitter and Facebook with references to O.J. Simpson and Johnnie Cochran. 7/5/11 4:27pm ET
JoanRivers
Still in shock...after issuing their verdict, the Casey Anthony jury should have immediately pled insanity.
7/7/11 3:47am ET
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Did TSA Make 95-Year-Old Woman Remove Diaper?
NY Daily News
The Transportation Security Administration has come under fire for allegedly forcing a 95-year-old woman to take off her soiled adult diaper for a pat down at a Florida airport last weekend. The TSA is denying the allegations, which were made by the woman's daughter. 6/27/11 8:48am ET
JoanRivers
Airport screeners forced a 95-year-old woman to remove her adult diaper to go through security. To their shock, she was duty-free.
6/29/11 10:26pm ET
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Anthony Weiner Resigns from Congress
The New York Times
Representative Anthony D. Weiner, a high-profile New York Democrat who had been considered a leading candidate to be the city's next mayor, said today that he was resigning from Congress following revelations of lewd online exchanges with several women. 6/16/11 4:47pm ET
JoanRivers
Did you watch Anthony Weiner's resignation speech? It was more uncomfortable than Father's Day at Arnold Schwarzenegger's house.
6/20/11 8:03am ET
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Anthony Weiner Resigns from Congress
The New York Times
Representative Anthony D. Weiner, a high-profile New York Democrat who had been considered a leading candidate to be the city's next mayor, said today that he was resigning from Congress following revelations of lewd online exchanges with several women. 6/16/11 4:47pm ET
JoanRivers
Anthony Weiner has given up his Congressional seat, which won't be filled until it's been thoroughly disinfected.
6/17/11 1:59pm ET
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