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Klemak
Vancouver, CA
Joined: Nov '11
Clever Columnist
Level 7: Clever Columnist
Next Level: Club Regular
  Kwips Points Average
All Time 76 81.00 1.07
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Klemak's kwips: 78
Kwipster Calls it Kwits
Kwipster
Somebody once said, "All good things must come to an end, but bad things can continue forever." Kwipster must be phenomenal then, as it will be ceasing operations on January 31st. Sniff. For more information, click here. And if you'd like to make one last joke, please do so at our expense below. 1/23/14 3:40pm ET
Klemak
Creators of Kwipster are upset, due to the fact that I'm spilling all of their secrets in my next "Bookie Wook."
1/23/12 3:53pm ET
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Internet Addiction Changes Brain Like Drugs
BBC News
Internet addicts have brain changes similar to those hooked on drugs or alcohol, preliminary research suggests. ''Overall, our findings indicate that IAD has abnormal white matter integrity in brain regions involving emotional generation and processing, executive attention, decision making and cognitive control,'' some science guy said. 1/12/14 5:49pm ET
Klemak
The research also showed that, no matter how much sex you have in WOW, you'll still never get any in real life.
1/12/12 9:48pm ET
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Facebook Makes You Miserable
Miller-McCune
A new study suggests that Facebook may be skewing the way its users perceive their lives. It finds those carefully selected photos of cheerful, contented people cumulatively convey a self-esteem-shattering message: Our lives are fantastic! What's wrong with you? 1/12/12 5:03pm ET
Klemak
Apparently the study wasn't looking at the profile of Lindsay Lohan.
1/12/12 9:46pm ET
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Jokes About Starbucks New Blonde Roast Forbidden
Gawker
According to a Starbucks gossip site, employees are forbidden from telling jokes about the company's new blonde roast coffee and will be issued a written offense if they do. 1/12/12 4:02pm ET
Klemak
Executives fear what will occur when they release their "Red-Headed Stepchild Roast."
1/12/12 9:44pm ET
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Hybrid Sharks Discovered Near Australia
TreeHugger
Sharks are one of the oldest species on the planet, having honed their sleek, aquatic-killer image only over millions of years of evolution. And now it turns out sharks getting even more specialized. For the first time ever, researchers from the University of Queensland have detected not one, not two, but 57 hybrid sharks lurking off the the coast of Australia. 1/3/12 5:21pm ET
Klemak
I fear for Samuel L. Jackson's safety.
1/12/12 9:42pm ET
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Rocker Spotted Topless in Hawaii
TMZ
It's once again time for a favorite Kwipster pastime -- in that we've done it once before. See if you can guess whose chest is pictured, ideally in a humorous way. Hints: the person is a rock star, just got engaged, and has a famous daughter. Click through for the answer. 1/4/12 12:06pm ET
Klemak
Iggy Pop got fat!
1/12/12 9:39pm ET
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New 'Celebrity Apprentice' Cast Announced
People
The cast for the next season of 'Celebrity Apprentice' has been announced. It includes Teresa Giudice and Victoria Gotti (wives); Cheryl Tiegs, Patricia Velasquez, Dayana Mendoza (T&A); Clay Aiken, Dee Snider, Debbie Gibson (sound); Lisa Lampanelli, Arsenio Hall, Adam Carolla (comic relief); Aubrey O'Day, Tia Carrere (people); Lou Ferrigno, Pen Jillette (hulks); George Takei, Paul Teutul Sr., and Michael Andretti (other). 1/4/12 1:05pm ET
Klemak
I don't know what's worse, the fact that Aubrey O'Day and Tia Carrere are classified simply as "people," or that George Takei, Paul Teutul Sr., and Michael Andretti are "other."
1/12/12 2:06am ET
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New 'Celebrity Apprentice' Cast Announced
People
The cast for the next season of 'Celebrity Apprentice' has been announced. It includes Teresa Giudice and Victoria Gotti (wives); Cheryl Tiegs, Patricia Velasquez, Dayana Mendoza (T&A); Clay Aiken, Dee Snider, Debbie Gibson (sound); Lisa Lampanelli, Arsenio Hall, Adam Carolla (comic relief); Aubrey O'Day, Tia Carrere (people); Lou Ferrigno, Pen Jillette (hulks); George Takei, Paul Teutul Sr., and Michael Andretti (other). 1/4/12 1:05pm ET
Klemak
There is only one hulk, and that is Ferrigno. Screw off Jillette!
1/12/12 2:05am ET
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New Crab Species Dubbed 'The Hoff'
BBC News
British scientists have found prodigious numbers of a new species of crab on the Southern Ocean floor that they have dubbed ''The Hoff'' because of its hairy chest, in honor of the often bare-chested American actor David Hasselhoff. 1/4/14 1:58pm ET
Klemak
The real reason for naming this species of crab "The Hoff" is because it's a species of genital crabs, which Hasselhoff has given to a number of women.
1/11/12 8:54pm ET
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MIT Creates Suit That Makes You Feel Old
Mashable
Researchers at MIT have created a body suit called AGNES (Age Gain Now Empathy System) that simulates old age. The suit includes a heavy helmet, body braces, and yellow-tinged glasses that create the feeling of achey joints, limited mobility, and blurred vision. 1/5/14 3:29pm ET
Klemak
MIT didn't have to spend so much time coming up with this suit. All you need to do is wear adult diapers to really get it.
1/11/12 8:48pm ET
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God Told Pat Robertson Who Next President Will Be
The Huffington Post
Christian conservative leader Pat Robertson says he has a secret straight from God: He knows who the next president of the United States will be. ''I think He showed me about the next president, but I'm not supposed to talk about that so I'll leave you in the dark -- probably just as well -- but I think I know who it's gonna be,'' he said this week on '700 Club.' 1/5/12 5:01pm ET
Klemak
"I think he showed me...I think I know who it's going to be...I think I shouldn't have dropped all that acid in the 70's."
1/11/12 8:47pm ET
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Music Teacher Gives Masturbating-Singing Lesson
Seattle Weekly
Kevin Gausepohl, a 34-year-old music instructor at Tacoma Community College, is charged with trying to convince a student to use sexual arousal techniques to improve her singing. The girl, 17 at the time, was attending the college as part of the Running Start program and complied with some of his requests to strip naked or touch herself during private voice lessons. 1/5/12 5:32pm ET
Klemak
Gausepohl has said, "I don't get what the big deal is! That's just how the priest in my church choir taught me to do it!"
1/11/12 8:46pm ET
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Stephen Hawking Finds Women ''Complete Mystery''
The Guardian
Stephen Hawking, the renowned physicist whose work has shed light on the secrets of the universe, from the nature of space-time to the workings of black holes, says there is one conundrum that still baffles him: women. He says they are ''a complete mystery.'' 1/5/14 6:41pm ET
Klemak
Wait, one of the biggest nerds in history doesn't understand women? And that's a headline?
1/11/12 8:44pm ET
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Chris Christie Makes Oral Sex Joke
Slate
Speaking at a Romney for President rally in New Hampshire yesterday, Chris Christie responded to female hecklers complaining about jobs going down with, ''You know, something may be going down tonight, but it ain't going to be jobs, sweetheart.'' [VIDEO] 1/9/12 5:23pm ET
Klemak
Romney has released an official statement, saying, "nice one, bro!"
1/11/12 8:43pm ET
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Japanese Department Store Has 'Fuckin' Sale'
Gawker
A department store in Osaka, Japan held the ultimate clearance event earlier this month, offering 20% off everything in a 'Fuckin' Sale'. Apparently there's no word for that in Japanese. 1/9/14 5:40pm ET
Klemak
The sale was headed by John Bobbitt, who has already received 20% off.
1/11/12 8:42pm ET
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Man With Unique Name Arrested in Wisconsin
Capital Times
A man with a rather unique name was arrested in Madison, WI last week for violating the terms of his bail. Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop (30), formerly known as Jeffrey Drew Wilschke, was tentatively charged with carrying a concealed weapon, possession of drug paraphernalia, possession of marijuana, and a probation violation. 1/9/12 6:13pm ET
Klemak
He was also found to be on thirty-seven hits of LSD.
1/11/12 8:40pm ET
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'The Advocate' Names Gayest Cities in America
The Advocate
'The Advocate' has released its 3rd annual ranking of the gayest cities in America. Salt Lake City was named the gayest, followed by Orlando, Cambridge (MA), Ft. Lauderdale, Seattle, Ann Arbor, Minneapolis / St. Paul, Knoxville, Atlanta, and Grand Rapids. [FULL LIST] 1/9/14 6:40pm ET
Klemak
San Francisco wasn't on that list? Really??
1/11/12 8:40pm ET
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Georgia School Math Problems Refer to Slaves
WSBTV
Parents of children at a Georgia elementary school were outraged to find math problems in their kids' homework referring to slavery and beatings. One question read, ''Each tree had 56 oranges. If eight slaves pick them equally, then how much would each slave pick?'' Another read, ''If Frederick got two beatings per day, how many beatings did he get in one week?'' 1/10/12 12:27pm ET
Klemak
That's preposterous! No slave would ever be named "Frederick!"
1/11/12 8:39pm ET
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Michael Cera Possibly Hitler's Mom
Reddit
The nerd herd at Reddit may have just rewritten history, or at least the prequel to Juno. One of the nerds posted a photo of Michael Cera and Hitler's mother, revealing an eerie resemblance. 1/10/12 1:10pm ET
Klemak
The fact that Cera also only has one testicle is a disturbing similarity to the Hitler family.
1/11/12 8:38pm ET
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Divorce Makes You Die Early
Newser
A new review of 32 studies published over 27 years finds that divorced adults have a 23% greater chance of dying early than married couples do, which is similar to the risks posed by starting to smoke or drink, gaining weight, or stopping exercising. And it's even worse for divorced men, who face a 31% increased risk of early death, compared to 18% for women. 1/10/14 2:02pm ET
Klemak
The other reason for the increased percentage of death in divorced men compared to women is heart attack from the crushing amount of child support payments.
1/11/12 8:37pm ET
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