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StephenColbert
New York, NY, US
Joined: Feb '11

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StephenColbert's kwips: 233
Christian Group Protests Halloween with JesusWeen
Time NewsFeed
Halloween has a new nemesis: JesusWeen. What is JesusWeen? It's a Christian organization that opposes ''ungodly'' Halloween and its ''evil characters.'' This October 31st, instead of Mars bars, group members plan to hand trick-or-treaters mini Bibles. 10/11/11 2:36pm ET
StephenColbert
Some people are handing out Bibles for Halloween instead of candy. I'm making everyone happy and handing out Candy Bibles.
10/27/11 4:58am ET
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Christian Group Protests Halloween with JesusWeen
Time NewsFeed
Halloween has a new nemesis: JesusWeen. What is JesusWeen? It's a Christian organization that opposes ''ungodly'' Halloween and its ''evil characters.'' This October 31st, instead of Mars bars, group members plan to hand trick-or-treaters mini Bibles. 10/11/11 2:36pm ET
StephenColbert
So go out this year and celebrate JesusWeen. We'll know its caught on when we start seeing the sexy Jesus costume.
10/27/11 4:58am ET
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Christian Group Protests Halloween with JesusWeen
Time NewsFeed
Halloween has a new nemesis: JesusWeen. What is JesusWeen? It's a Christian organization that opposes ''ungodly'' Halloween and its ''evil characters.'' This October 31st, instead of Mars bars, group members plan to hand trick-or-treaters mini Bibles. 10/11/11 2:36pm ET
StephenColbert
Kids, remember: when you bring home your bag of Bibles, let your parents check them for razor blades. Or worse, Dianetics.
10/27/11 4:57am ET
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Christian Group Protests Halloween with JesusWeen
Time NewsFeed
Halloween has a new nemesis: JesusWeen. What is JesusWeen? It's a Christian organization that opposes ''ungodly'' Halloween and its ''evil characters.'' This October 31st, instead of Mars bars, group members plan to hand trick-or-treaters mini Bibles. 10/11/11 2:36pm ET
StephenColbert
That is the spirit of Halloween. Because dressing in white and handing out Bibles is sure to make your house the creepiest one on the block.
10/27/11 4:57am ET
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Libyan Rebels Kill Moammar Gadhafi
The New York Times
Col. Moammar Gadahfi, the former Libyan strongman who fled into hiding after rebels toppled his regime two months ago, was killed today as fighters battling the vestiges of his loyalist forces wrested control of his hometown of Surt, the interim government said. 10/20/11 2:12pm ET
StephenColbert
We need to stay vigilant here. Gaddafi with a G may be gone, but we still have not captured Qadaffi, Kaddafi, Gathafi, and Channukah.
10/24/11 11:19pm ET
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Libyan Rebels Kill Moammar Gadhafi
The New York Times
Col. Moammar Gadahfi, the former Libyan strongman who fled into hiding after rebels toppled his regime two months ago, was killed today as fighters battling the vestiges of his loyalist forces wrested control of his hometown of Surt, the interim government said. 10/20/11 2:12pm ET
StephenColbert
Gadhafi was pulled from a hole/tunnel network alive and then killed by the rebels. If you recall, they pulled Saddam from a hole. Evidently totalitarian dictators are a nocturnal burrowing species.
10/24/11 11:19pm ET
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Libyan Rebels Kill Moammar Gadhafi
The New York Times
Col. Moammar Gadahfi, the former Libyan strongman who fled into hiding after rebels toppled his regime two months ago, was killed today as fighters battling the vestiges of his loyalist forces wrested control of his hometown of Surt, the interim government said. 10/20/11 2:12pm ET
StephenColbert
Gadhafi's death was difficult to confirm, since every living picture of him could be confused for a death photo.
10/24/11 11:18pm ET
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Libyan Rebels Kill Moammar Gadhafi
The New York Times
Col. Moammar Gadahfi, the former Libyan strongman who fled into hiding after rebels toppled his regime two months ago, was killed today as fighters battling the vestiges of his loyalist forces wrested control of his hometown of Surt, the interim government said. 10/20/11 2:12pm ET
StephenColbert
Gadhafi was one of a kind: part madman, part fashion icon, part comic genius. He made us laugh, he made us cry -- about the things that made him laugh.
10/24/11 11:18pm ET
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Libyan Rebels Kill Moammar Gadhafi
The New York Times
Col. Moammar Gadahfi, the former Libyan strongman who fled into hiding after rebels toppled his regime two months ago, was killed today as fighters battling the vestiges of his loyalist forces wrested control of his hometown of Surt, the interim government said. 10/20/11 2:12pm ET
StephenColbert
Now in hindsight, it may have been a mistake for him to hire bodyguards based on their hotness.
10/24/11 11:18pm ET
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MC Hammer Launches New Search Engine 'WireDoo'
Gawker
Rapper, preacher, and bankruptcy-court mainstay MC Hammer has just launched a new search engine called WireDoo. The artist-turned-entrepreneur says WireDoo goes ''beyond just the keywords'' into ''relationship search'' and ''deep search.'' 10/19/11 6:59pm ET
StephenColbert
MC Hammer is launching his own search engine! I hope it's more successful than Yahoo-Tang Clan.
10/24/11 5:55am ET
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Florida Rep Wants to Repeal Dwarf-Tossing Ban
Gawker
As part of his ''quest to seek and destroy unnecessary burdens on the freedom and liberties of people'' -- and to create new jobs -- Florida state Rep. Ritch Workman (R) has submitted a bill to repeal Florida's 22-year-old ban on tossing little people for sport at bars. 10/6/11 5:05pm ET
StephenColbert
I say if someone is willing to do a job, no matter how dangerous, pointless, or dehumanizing it is, the government has no business stopping them. [Unless they're Mexican]
10/18/11 9:14pm ET
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Florida Rep Wants to Repeal Dwarf-Tossing Ban
Gawker
As part of his ''quest to seek and destroy unnecessary burdens on the freedom and liberties of people'' -- and to create new jobs -- Florida state Rep. Ritch Workman (R) has submitted a bill to repeal Florida's 22-year-old ban on tossing little people for sport at bars. 10/6/11 5:05pm ET
StephenColbert
Yes, dwarves would be happy to have these jobs. I'm sure the only reason Peter Dinklage is on Game of Thrones is because he couldn't get a good job being chucked at a wall. [Game of Thrown]
10/18/11 9:13pm ET
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Florida Rep Wants to Repeal Dwarf-Tossing Ban
Gawker
As part of his ''quest to seek and destroy unnecessary burdens on the freedom and liberties of people'' -- and to create new jobs -- Florida state Rep. Ritch Workman (R) has submitted a bill to repeal Florida's 22-year-old ban on tossing little people for sport at bars. 10/6/11 5:05pm ET
StephenColbert
Dwarf-tossing is the sport of kings, wherein a little person puts on a helmet and is hurled by a frat guy hammered on jager shots onto a soiled mattress. You know, full employment.
10/18/11 9:13pm ET
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Florida Rep Wants to Repeal Dwarf-Tossing Ban
Gawker
As part of his ''quest to seek and destroy unnecessary burdens on the freedom and liberties of people'' -- and to create new jobs -- Florida state Rep. Ritch Workman (R) has submitted a bill to repeal Florida's 22-year-old ban on tossing little people for sport at bars. 10/6/11 5:05pm ET
StephenColbert
Yes, dwarf-tossing. Now I apologize if anyone is offened. I'm sure there is a more PC term. [Shorty shotput]
10/18/11 9:13pm ET
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NBA Cancels First 2 Weeks of Season
Yahoo! Sports
The NBA has canceled the first two weeks of its 2011-12 season after failing to reach a new labor agreement with its players. ''We remain very, very apart on all issues,'' league commissioner David Stern said after league representatives met with Players Association officials in a last-ditch attempt to save the November 1st start of the season. 10/11/11 1:35pm ET
StephenColbert
Folks, you know I do not see eye-to-eye with the players. In fact, I barely see eye-to-groin.
10/18/11 9:12pm ET
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NBA Cancels First 2 Weeks of Season
Yahoo! Sports
The NBA has canceled the first two weeks of its 2011-12 season after failing to reach a new labor agreement with its players. ''We remain very, very apart on all issues,'' league commissioner David Stern said after league representatives met with Players Association officials in a last-ditch attempt to save the November 1st start of the season. 10/11/11 1:35pm ET
StephenColbert
The N-B-A lockout continues. Which explains the 8-foot man cleaning my windshield this morning.
10/18/11 9:12pm ET
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U.S. Panel Says Prostate Exams Not Necessary
CNN
The U.S. Preventive Services Task Force will soon recommend that men not get screened for prostate cancer. A review of studies shows screening with the prostate specific antigen (PSA) blood test results in ''small or no reduction'' in prostate cancer deaths. Their report adds that PSA testing is ''associated with harms related to subsequent evaluation and treatments.'' 10/7/11 12:15pm ET
StephenColbert
A scientific panel has recommended against prostate testing. But my prostate was up all night cramming.
10/7/11 1:03pm ET
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Sarah Palin Will Not Run for President
CNN
In a written statement, former Alaska governor Sarah Palin said today: ''After much prayer and serious consideration, I have decided that I will not be seeking the 2012 GOP nomination for President of the United States. As always, my family comes first and obviously Todd and I put great consideration into family life before making this decision. When we serve, we devote ourselves to God, family and country. My decision maintains this order.'' 10/5/11 7:07pm ET
StephenColbert
After much prayer and much more prayer, I have decided I am extremely disappointed by Sarah Palin's decision to not seek the 2012 GOP nomination for president. God bless Sarah Palin's Alaska.
10/7/11 4:55am ET
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Sarah Palin Will Not Run for President
CNN
In a written statement, former Alaska governor Sarah Palin said today: ''After much prayer and serious consideration, I have decided that I will not be seeking the 2012 GOP nomination for President of the United States. As always, my family comes first and obviously Todd and I put great consideration into family life before making this decision. When we serve, we devote ourselves to God, family and country. My decision maintains this order.'' 10/5/11 7:07pm ET
StephenColbert
I don't know about you, but I need a pick-me-up, because we all know the sad news: Sarah Palin is not running for president. Feels like my heart quit halfway through its first term.
10/7/11 4:40am ET
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ESPN Drops Hank Williams Jr. After Hitler Remark
USA Today
ESPN dropped Hank Williams Jr. from opening Monday Night Football last night after he likened the golf summit between President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner to ''Hitler playing golf with Netanyahu,'' in that Obama and Vice President Biden are ''the enemy.'' Williams now says his comments were ''misunderstood.'' 10/4/11 1:07pm ET
StephenColbert
Perhaps a Hitler/Netanyahu golf game wouldn't be so bad. On the Wii it is certainly adorable.
10/5/11 4:52am ET
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