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jokemaker
Joined: Mar '11
Clever Columnist
Level 7: Clever Columnist
Next Level: Club Regular
  Kwips Points Average
All Time 76 130.57 1.72
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jokemaker's kwips: 76
Homicide No Longer a Leading Cause of Death
Los Angeles Times
For the first time since 1965, homicide was not one of the nation's top 15 causes of death in 2010, according to new data from the CDC. The top 15 were: heart disease, cancer, lower respiratory disease, stroke, accidents, Alzheimer's, diabetes, kidney disease, influenza and pneumonia, suicide, septicemia, liver disease, hypertension, Parkinson's, and pneumonitis. 1/11/12 6:59pm ET
jokemaker
Nice to see suicide still near the top, though.
1/18/12 12:46am ET
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North Korea Reopens for Tourism
CNN
The Democratic People's Republic of Korea (North Korea's official name) re-opened to tourists this week after its annual month-long winter hiatus. It's the first time foreigners can access the country since the death of its leader Kim Jong Il last month. 1/11/12 7:34pm ET
jokemaker
Kim Jong No.
1/18/12 12:45am ET
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Jokes About Starbucks New Blonde Roast Forbidden
Gawker
According to a Starbucks gossip site, employees are forbidden from telling jokes about the company's new blonde roast coffee and will be issued a written offense if they do. 1/12/12 4:02pm ET
jokemaker
Then maybe give it another name...?
1/18/12 12:44am ET
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Buffett Will Match GOP Donations to Cut Deficit
The Raw Story
Answering Republican calls for him to donate to the U.S. Treasury to cut the budget deficit, billionaire Warren Buffett has challenged the GOP to join him, vowing to match their donations dollar-for-dollar. ''If we go to a contribution system, I'll match the total contribution made by all Republican members of Congress. And I'll even go three for one for McConnell.'' 1/12/12 4:34pm ET
jokemaker
Republicans donating money? That's the least risky bet he's ever taken.
1/18/12 12:43am ET
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Facebook Makes You Miserable
Miller-McCune
A new study suggests that Facebook may be skewing the way its users perceive their lives. It finds those carefully selected photos of cheerful, contented people cumulatively convey a self-esteem-shattering message: Our lives are fantastic! What's wrong with you? 1/12/12 5:03pm ET
jokemaker
Study sponsored by Prozac.
1/18/12 12:42am ET
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Internet Addiction Changes Brain Like Drugs
BBC News
Internet addicts have brain changes similar to those hooked on drugs or alcohol, preliminary research suggests. ''Overall, our findings indicate that IAD has abnormal white matter integrity in brain regions involving emotional generation and processing, executive attention, decision making and cognitive control,'' some science guy said. 1/12/12 5:49pm ET
jokemaker
I'll believe this when people start selling crack to buy broadband.
1/18/12 12:42am ET
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God Told Pat Robertson Who Next President Will Be
The Huffington Post
Christian conservative leader Pat Robertson says he has a secret straight from God: He knows who the next president of the United States will be. ''I think He showed me about the next president, but I'm not supposed to talk about that so I'll leave you in the dark -- probably just as well -- but I think I know who it's gonna be,'' he said this week on '700 Club.' 1/5/12 5:01pm ET
jokemaker
God's message: "Your country will be torn apart by internal stress. This is a spiritual battle which can only be won by overwhelming prayer. Donate now."
1/5/12 6:07pm ET
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Music Teacher Gives Masturbating-Singing Lesson
Seattle Weekly
Kevin Gausepohl, a 34-year-old music instructor at Tacoma Community College, is charged with trying to convince a student to use sexual arousal techniques to improve her singing. The girl, 17 at the time, was attending the college as part of the Running Start program and complied with some of his requests to strip naked or touch herself during private voice lessons. 1/5/12 5:32pm ET
jokemaker
They're gonna have to change the name of that program from Running Start to Dropping Trow.
1/5/12 6:04pm ET
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Fat Consumption Causes Brain Damage
LimeLife
A new study published in the Journal of Clinical Investigation reveals that ''hypothalamic neuron injury'' is caused after humans eat a high-fat diet. And if the diet is continued, the brain's hypothalamus can become inflamed and damaged -- which is especially troubling given that the hypothalamus is the part of the brain that controls metabolism. 1/3/12 7:02pm ET
jokemaker
Alt headline: Science Finally Explains Rush Limbaugh
1/3/12 7:25pm ET
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Fat Consumption Causes Brain Damage
LimeLife
A new study published in the Journal of Clinical Investigation reveals that ''hypothalamic neuron injury'' is caused after humans eat a high-fat diet. And if the diet is continued, the brain's hypothalamus can become inflamed and damaged -- which is especially troubling given that the hypothalamus is the part of the brain that controls metabolism. 1/3/12 7:02pm ET
jokemaker
Wow, that guy apparently eats so much fat he lost his entire head.
1/3/12 7:24pm ET
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Steve Jobs Action Figure To Sell For $100
The Telegraph
A Steve Jobs action figure complete with miniature iPad and iPhone is set to go on sale this February for $100. The 12'' figure depicts the former chief executive of Apple (who died last year) in his familiar black turtleneck and blue jeans. InIcon, which is making the figure, will include a spare pair of glasses and extra hands -- for gripping the prop accessories. 1/3/12 4:42pm ET
jokemaker
I'm holding out for version 2. With the improved pancreas.
1/3/12 5:37pm ET
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Hybrid Sharks Discovered Near Australia
TreeHugger
Sharks are one of the oldest species on the planet, having honed their sleek, aquatic-killer image only over millions of years of evolution. And now it turns out sharks getting even more specialized. For the first time ever, researchers from the University of Queensland have detected not one, not two, but 57 hybrid sharks lurking off the the coast of Australia. 1/3/12 5:21pm ET
jokemaker
This is huge! Who knew sharks even ran on gasoline?
1/3/12 5:37pm ET
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Hybrid Sharks Discovered Near Australia
TreeHugger
Sharks are one of the oldest species on the planet, having honed their sleek, aquatic-killer image only over millions of years of evolution. And now it turns out sharks getting even more specialized. For the first time ever, researchers from the University of Queensland have detected not one, not two, but 57 hybrid sharks lurking off the the coast of Australia. 1/3/12 5:21pm ET
jokemaker
The hybrid sharks were discovered off the coast of Australia, in the trendy neighborhood.
1/3/12 5:36pm ET
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Hybrid Sharks Discovered Near Australia
TreeHugger
Sharks are one of the oldest species on the planet, having honed their sleek, aquatic-killer image only over millions of years of evolution. And now it turns out sharks getting even more specialized. For the first time ever, researchers from the University of Queensland have detected not one, not two, but 57 hybrid sharks lurking off the the coast of Australia. 1/3/12 5:21pm ET
jokemaker
The worst thing about those hybrid sharks: you can't even hear them coming.
1/3/12 5:35pm ET
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Cocaine Found on 92% of Baby-Changing Tables
The Huffington Post
Researchers in the UK have found that 92% of public baby-changing tables contain traces of cocaine. The study, conducted by British journalists, included facilities in shopping centers, hospitals, police stations, courts, churches, supermarkets and department stores. 12/21/11 12:57pm ET
jokemaker
Not sure what's more disturbing -- that baby-changing tables are showing traces of cocaine or that baby-changing tables are apparently never cleaned.
12/21/11 4:05pm ET
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FDA Orders Man to Stop Giving Away Sperm Online
Gizmodo
The FDA has ordered Trent Arsenault of the SF Bay area to stop giving away his sperm on his website. In the past 5 years, Arsenault has fathered 14 children with his donations, and more are on the way. Unfortunately, ''informal sperm donation'' is illegal because it violates FDA regulations on human cells and is punishable by up to a year in prison and a $100,000 fine. 12/21/11 2:15pm ET
jokemaker
The FDA has ordered Trent Arsenault to stop giving away his sperm online. They've also requested that he change his stupid fucking name.
12/21/11 4:04pm ET
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FDA Orders Man to Stop Giving Away Sperm Online
Gizmodo
The FDA has ordered Trent Arsenault of the SF Bay area to stop giving away his sperm on his website. In the past 5 years, Arsenault has fathered 14 children with his donations, and more are on the way. Unfortunately, ''informal sperm donation'' is illegal because it violates FDA regulations on human cells and is punishable by up to a year in prison and a $100,000 fine. 12/21/11 2:15pm ET
jokemaker
Because giving it away through unprotected sex is so much safer...
12/21/11 4:03pm ET
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New Research Identifies Top 'Defriending' Reasons
NM Incite
New research from NM Incite reveals that the most common reasons Facebook users decide to defriend someone are offensive comments, not knowing the person well, trying to sell them something, depressing or political posts, and a lack of interaction. 12/20/11 4:26pm ET
jokemaker
In other words: Republicans.
12/20/11 5:23pm ET
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Rick Perry Doesn't Know Kim Jong-Il's Name
ThinkProgress
In an email regarding the death of North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il, Rick Perry mistakenly referred to the despot as Kim Jong the Second. The email titled ''Gov. Rick Perry on the Death of Kim Jong II'' incorrectly referenced the dictator's name 3 separate times. 12/20/11 3:14pm ET
jokemaker
Oh, Rich. What an idiot.
12/20/11 5:11pm ET
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New Research Identifies Top 'Defriending' Reasons
NM Incite
New research from NM Incite reveals that the most common reasons Facebook users decide to defriend someone are offensive comments, not knowing the person well, trying to sell them something, depressing or political posts, and a lack of interaction. 12/20/11 4:26pm ET
jokemaker
Looks like I better make some preemptive strikes.
12/20/11 5:10pm ET
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